But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My sheets look like a crime scene.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
