And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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