Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
