drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
