I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
