when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
