New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
