The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
