He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
