Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They took my balls.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
