i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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