We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
