Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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