I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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