I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Fuck appropriateness.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
