New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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