Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
