I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
