Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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