He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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