i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
