Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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