I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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