I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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