I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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