Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
