moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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