i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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