mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
