At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
