Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
