guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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