I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
