Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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