Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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