yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
