you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she smelled like a LAN party
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
