i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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