I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize