Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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