I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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