i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
