Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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