Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
