i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
