he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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