i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
