So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
