I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
