just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
