i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
