Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
