I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
