Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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