think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
