Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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