Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
