The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize