I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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