so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
